The Truth is...

The truth is...

It is hard for me to hear God's voice here. 

The beauty of this country is drowned out by squeeling pigs on the back of bikes, crying babies sitting lonely outside the house, and the fact that death lurks around every corner.

I still do not fully understand my purpose in being here and that it itself makes it hard to be here.

Hannah and I have pillow talk almost every night, trying to process what we have experienced and every night I fall asleep feeling like I have 50 years of processing left to do.

Any answer I thought I had about this country was wrong. I am no expert and I don't know if I want to be because all of that knowledge is just too heavy, and too much to handle.

This last month has been long, hard, good, depressing, life-sucking, beautiful, horrifying, exciting, memorable, and exhausting. So if I ever tell you time in the Congo was just good, I'm lying.

The truth is...

My heart doesn't ache the way I thought it would.

It is not the poverty that is wreaking havoc in my heart, it is the church. It is the fact that the Bible isn't being taught well, and that out of 300 women not one had heard the story of Deborah. That a pastor admitted that it is easier if the people don't know the fullness of bible and that offering has been made into a competition in order to bring more money in. I can deal with the poverty and the reality of death on a daily basis but I cant process the churches issues. Not yet at least.

I am tired and want a mini vacation but we are in the jungle and there is no where to go. 

Countries sending money need Congo just as much as Congo THINKS they need that money.

One of my favorite moments in the last month has been holding a baby named priscillia and praying over her life as she smiled, laughed and slept in my arms. Maybe it was one of my favorite moments because language didn't matter for once, or because her little smile made all the other distressing things invading my mind disappear,  or maybe simply because I love holding babies. I guess it doesn't really matter the reason why, but for an afternoon I was happy to be sweaty with tired arms from holding this precious little life.

I don't want to sit through another three plus hour church service where I cant understand anything, I dont know the music and I don't like to dance. Not to mention having to sit in the front row or worse, behind the pulpit, and having to try to look engaged for the entire service. Did I mention half the congregation is napping during the sermon as well?

I have/find little joy in being here.

It is hard to just BE in the presence of God, even in a country where there is nothing else for me to do.

The devil has been knocking on the door since the day we stepped foot in Congo. And he is working hard to pry the door open. Some days if feels like he is climbing in the window and other days we feel like we have him on lockdown. But the truth is...we are tired. Tired of the constant battle of trying endlessly to hold all the doors and windows shut.

I'm excited for the day I can look back on these two months in Gemena and see what the purpose was and how it affected my life.

I know that my coming here was not a mistake and that is a truth I need to hold tightly to.

I'm sorry that this blog is not some light weight, happy go lucky, easy and encouraging read, but this is how I feel.  And people need to know that this last month has been hard and the next month probably will be too. I think everyone knew this trip would be challenging, but it has proved to be challenging for all different reasons than I anticipated.

I do not for one second regret coming here, you need to know that. This last month has taught me more than I could have ever imagined, the hard part is figuring out what to do with the knowledge I have been given. I feel as though I know more than I should and I'm drowning in the realities of the complicated mess Congo calls life.

There are good days and hard, long days and the above portion of this blog was written on a hard, long day when I was just not feeling it. And now as I sit here writing the rest of this blog my time here doesn't seem so bad. I don't want to discredit the bad days because those feelings were and are still real but I have wrestled with actually posting this blog because that is not how I feel today.

Today I feel like there is more hope. I have woken up the last two morning and decided to chose joy over counting down the days, and to chose joy throughout the long church services amongst other things. I have choosen joy, and will try to continue to choose joy throughout the next month. I'm not saying there wont be days that are hard but that all of the days don't have to be so much like the day I was having when I wrote the first half of this blog.

The truth is... there is joy in the Lord, and I want His joy more than any other superficial and temporary joy that the world has to offer me.

More Pictures!

I am getting better at being Congolese!

This is Hannah's adopted little sister's sister, Pricillia. Sleepy baby.

Futbol

Playing futbol/bale/soccer with the girls here is like playing with fast 10 year olds. There is competition and understanding of the rules but the fundamentals have not been practiced. Their speed allows them to keep up but they have to slow down to pass or shoot, allowing me time to catch up :) There are two positions, goalie and field players. Meaning everyone plays offense and nobody likes to get back on defense so I find myself sprinting back often.

Playing at such a young level I see the value and desire to play offense. It is a chance to be praised. An opportunity for success. And the desire to feel valued is often met after scoring a goal. Playing offense is a break from these girls daily defensive lives.

After being here for 3 plus weeks,  I have noticed that this culture, for the most part, is constantly playing defense. Defense primarily against death with survival being the goal.

For example, food. Dinner may or may not be had around a table. Talking is limited to "Can you pass the ..." and the food is the same for every meal. Food is for energy it does not mean fellowship like it does to me. Food is for survival. Another example is children. Parents have many children to insure they are taken care of later on in life. In fact it is somewhat expected that some children will die from accidents or disease. The risk of not being cared for is calculated out and the equation equals out to having more kids to insure their survival. 

You see, in my opinion it is easier to play defense. Offense requires practiced fundamental skills. It requires trial and error and bouncing back after failure. It requires time. Defense, simply put, is just prevention.

The United States and other countries are coming in and giving money with the attempt at getting the Congolese people to play offensively, but they have been trained their entire lives to play defense. We are trying to switch their mentality to think offensively but the field is long and the grass is so deep. The word "sustainability" gets thrown around often and I am beginning to see it as playing offense. Sustainability is the chance to succeed. The opportunity to be praised but it proves to be a hard goal to reach.

I think it will be a long time before Congo starts playing offensively but for now soccer is a small but great opportunity for these girls to play offense; and I will continue to play defense every game if that's what it takes to allow them to succeed, to feel valued and to be praised for something even as small as a goal in this game of life.

Thank you to all of you who are reading my blogs, even as I ramble and process things :)
I am so thankful to have such a great team supporting me!

A big shout out to my dad for fathers day from Congo! (If you see him give him a hug from me, he is not a big hugger but just do it anyway because he likes hugs from me!)

Follow Hannah's blog too!

hannahinthecongo.wordpress.com

Follow Hannah too! She has a great perspective and between the two of us hopefully you can get a better understanding of what we are doing.

Pictures

This man is the only professionally trained Radiologist within hundreds of miles. He works at a hospital in Karawa.

Painted the nails of some BOYS at the Orphanage :)

I am cleaning out a gash that this little girl had in the bottom of her foot.

It was painful but she is happier now!

X ray machine in Karawa

Hospital beds... the will lay a grass mat over the springs because they dont have mattresses.

Narrow roads way out in the jungle.  Our Driver wasn't honking enough and we ran a motorcyclist off the rode into the bushes. There were two men, a women with a baby on this motorcycle. Hannah and I freaked out. Everyone was okay but it was scary for us, this is normal life here though.

a few comments/thoughts.

Here are some bullet points of my first full week in Gemena (mostly because I don’t know what to write J)

•       I love playing soccer here. But I am not good so I stick to playing with the kids.
• · The rain here is AWESOME! It has only rained twice so far but it is crazy. It is a relentless downpour for about 20 minutes and then it is gone. But it is cooler when the rain comes so that is a plus
• ·      At most events Hannah and I are asked to give a few words to go along with our welcoming and as much as I dislike public speaking I am getting used to it. I am waiting for the day they ask me to preach… im not looking forward to that as much.
• ·       We are currently in Karawa, about 2 hours away from Gemena with a group of 7 mendele who are here from a covenant church in Chicago on a week long vision trip.
• ·      Language is a crazy and amazing thing and I am continually amazed and grateful for a God that understands the hundreds of languages of the world.
• ·      Hannah and I both thought that we were getting whiter here (which is weird because we are very close to the equator)… and then we realized the “background” has changed so our perception of “tan” has changed as well.
• ·      To address my attempt to not sweat while here: I failed. Today specifically has been very hot and I don’t think I have stop sweating since I woke up. Hopefully the rain is coming soon and bringing some cooler temperatures with it.
• ·      I do not like mosquito nets! They make sleeping so much hotter!! But I am thankful I have one because I think it would be miserable to be sick here.
• ·      There are 3 refrigerators in Gemena. Two are at the missionaries houses. And one is here at our hosts homes.
• ·      The soil in congo is some of the most naturally rich soil in the world.
• ·      The mangos are out of this world.
• ·      I sleep about 9 hours a night…  it might be a rough transition back to the college life.
• ·      Girls do not sit with their legs crossed here ( only men). I have to correct myself often to find a different way to sit.
• ·      Hannah and I have agreed that one of our favorite things about Gemena is that it feels like family. We can say hi to anyone, or step into the home of anyone while we wait for a ride. We feel safe. We feel like part of the Congolese family.
• ·      God is teaching me to be completely satisfied in His presence. It is not easy, but I am slowly learning. He reminds me that it is not the amount of “work” I do here but it is  the fact that I am in his presence that matters, that my desire for a schedule is not as important as being able to say “Lord whatever “schedule” you have for me today is better than whatever I could have possibly planned.”

More to come,

H